I guess I have to write about my shitty little hometown and my shitty backstabber father who lives there.
I haven't seen him in 10 years. I don't care to.
I think a lot about where I grew up
the town that perpetually loses its children
a beautiful summer resort
deserted in the winter
a town without money or hope
Where the shittiest rednecks have regular work for the town
and the people that have jobs in the 5 stores or so
make jack shit
all the intelligent children flee.
What a great place
to call
"home"
I remember the trees and the water
I did a lot of hiking and riding
Such a beautiful place
to have nothing
and no hope really
of ever having anything there
a lonely place of buffoons and bullies
where no one really ever had any happiness
not the people I knew
I remember visiting my father
living in a trailer
his retirement home
I wasn't welcome there
not really
mocked regularly
there's that unemployed bum
no jobs anywhere
no respect
I watch my father
work for the town tycoon
who owns the trailer and rents it to him
He's so ingratiated
quick to please
I had to leave
watching my old man grovel
for 5 bux an hour under the table
That's what they admire
my father admired him, the tycoon
I wanted to murder him
He made everyone grovel like that
everyone grovelling for little bits of money
everyone snarling at each other
I'm a good slave
why aren't you working too?
Because I detest slavery
and slave minds
who can barely read
telling me
I'm wrong
The recreational vehicles, boats, skidoos
every summer it fills up
and in the fall we see again the truth
when they are gone
there's nothing here
and we subsist
No car, no job, no money
get out and get a job
get out and get a job
I wanted to go to university
at 17 with my honors grades
but the $3500 I had saved to buy a car
had to be used to feed the family
during a rough spot
so no car.
no car, no job, no future
jack fucking shit
oh yeah
I guess it's beautiful
and lonely
and hopeless
honors student
a "star" in the play
not worth anything to rednecks
my plans and dreams to get a degree and work on music
destroyed
as if they never existed
childish dreams
of futures
I remember bowing
at the prom
a long slow bow
to everyone
as I stood in the doorway
with no money for a suit
unable to dance
with the girl I really did like
but never was able to be with
I should have been in a tux too
dancing or sitting at a table
but I couldn't
so I bowed
and left
I left.
I remember the day I left
I wasn't even offered a ride to the city
I took a suitcase with wheels
and walked to the highway
hitchiked to edmonton
and got on a bus
get out
get a job
My father didn't want a future with us
he wanted a place to retire
He has retired
He wonders why I will never visit him and his new family
a new wife with kids that did things right
they have jobs and cars
they made something of themselves
unlike my brother and I
beautiful places of poverty and futility
Why would we return?
To be mocked?
